Attachment Styles in a Relationship – which one are you?
You’re looking into the cost of a heel spur surgery when you get a call from your significant other. You’ve noticed that you feel anxious being in a relationship with them. You’re constantly wondering if your partner really loves you. This might be a sign you have an insecure attachment style. So, what are the attachment styles in a relationship? Let’s get into it!
Attachment Theory Introduction
Attachment theory focuses on how a child’s relationship with their parents can affect how children view or perceive relationships as they get older. Your attachment style could be a result of how close or disconnected you felt from your caregivers growing up. This is often something that isn’t immediately recognized until later in life if you find yourself having difficulty feeling safe and secure in relationships.
Anxious (also known as preoccupied)
Anxious attachment style is one in which people feel a strong fear of abandonment in their relationships. This insecure attachment style usually involves the person distrusting their partners and thinking they could leave them at any moment.
Signs of Anxious Attachment:
- Constantly feeling fear/worry your partner will abandon you for no obvious reason
- Needing to always be in contact with your partner
- Clingy/needy behavior towards your partner
Avoidant (also known as dismissive)
Avoidant attachment style is another insecure attachment style. However, instead of feeling anxious about a relationship, this attachment style usually avoids getting close with people. They also have a fear of abandonment, but instead of anxiously trying to get a partner to stay – this style avoids love all together. They feel as if they don’t connect with someone, they won’t have to worry about being abandoned later on.
Signs of Avoidant Attachment:
- Unstable relationships
- Lack of commitment
- Refusing to get serious with a partner
Disorganized (also known as fearful-avoidant)
Disorganized attachment style is often the result of childhood trauma. Someone with this attachment style is both fearful of never getting love but also avoidant of it all together. They go back and forth between wanting commitment and fearing it. Disorganized attachment style is one of the most confusing for both the person experiencing it and the person’s partner.
Signs of Disorganized Attachment:
- Inconsistent behavior
- Not feeling like they belong to anyone
- Fluctuate between feeling independent / codependency
Secure
Secure attachment style is the healthiest attachment style one could have. This is usually the result of a child feeling loved, safe, and secure as a child. While all relationships have conflict, someone with a secure attachment style feels safe with themselves and the relationship. They don’t let fear guide them when it comes to romance, and they are much more trusting.
Signs of Secure Attachment:
- Feeling confident in the relationship and with oneself
- Consistent and predictable behavior
- Easily communicates their feelings with their partner
The Rundown
While there are 4 attachment styles, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you fit one precisely. You can think of these styles on a spectrum. It’s also important to note that it’s possible for everyone to develop a secure attachment style. If you’re wanting help to become more secure in your relationships, it’s always a good idea to speak with a therapist or another mental health professional.
